Thoughts...

Have you ever been somewhere and instantly thought of something you absolutely had to tell someone?? Today was one of those days for me. I saw my first Canadian geese of the season and all I could think of was telling my mum. March is in full swing and my daily trips to walk around the ponds near our home having me thinking about her more and more. March.... spring starts and this year would mark the 54th year of her life. I miss her more everytime that the trees start to bud and the snow melts and then it snows again. I wonder everyday what kind of grandma she would be to Anomantia... so many things to wonder about and so many answerless questions. I thought that getting older and putting time between her death and the present would make things easier but in all honesty, I feel like I am loosing my mind. I can't remember her voice anymore but I do remember her in her garden wearing a pair of jeans with dirt on the knees and smeared across the thighs, a ratty old shirt and a pair of gumboots. She was always in her element in her garden and loved the spring more than anything because the bulbs would sprout and bloom. I never really understood her love for plants and why they were so important to her. To this day I still can't really grasp why she would plant flowers, I understand why the vegetable garden, now that I have one myself but why flowers?? They really aren't edible, with the exception of her nasturtiums which she planted in her vegetable garden, so they really didn't count. So what good were they, and why flowers??

With the nicer days, Anomantia and I walk (well, I walk and push her in the stroller)around the ponds near our home, and I wonder what things would be like if my mum were here with us or even if she would visit us here in Gurneyland. How would my life be different today if she hadn't left us 7 years and 7 months ago? I remember being told after my dad died that I should "get over it and move on with your life". I just remember being so angry at everyone and then when mum died, I was hurt and not able to grieve because I had to be a rock to keep on living. Now that Anomantia is in my life, I am able to understand some of the sacrifices that my mum made for us girls and appreciate her life in a whole new light. I will forever miss both of my parents but for my own daughter's sake, I must be strong and live for her.